Let me start off by saying I had a very good Easter. I had good food, played lots of ping pong, played a little pool, had good company, played with the boys outside before the rain, etc. Overall I had a very good day.
But, my cataplexy was on over drive. Initially my cataplexy, (knee buckling) was pretty random. It did not occur a whole lot. Mostly it just showed up when I was really tired. As things have progressed, my cataplexy started to become more common. While being more tired did make it worse, but if I just tried to casually walk my knees would buckle. Within the last couple months my knee buckling has increased even more. It had gotten to the point, that when I walked anywhere in the house my knees would buckle. The positive side of things was that it was normally one knee at a time so I could start upright by using my other leg. In the last couple weeks even that has started to change. I was starting to get more and more instances were both knees where buckling. Again the positive side of things was that if it was both knees buckling it was a more subtle buckle. They would both buckle but instead of being almost complete muscle control it was more of a slow loss of muscle control. Today, apparently I mind was not happy with my cataplexy, so it up one more notch. Today there was very little single knee buckling and there was very little subtlety to it. There were multiple occasions when both knees buckled and you have thought I was doing a deep squat. I had to grab things to keep myself upright and when there was nothing around I was as close to hiting the ground as you can be without actually doing it. With the extreme buckling of both knees, I am having some pretty significant knee pain. It makes sense, essentially my muscles are "kicking" back in just before my legs totally collapse. Because of this I am putting pretty significant strain on my knees. It is kind of like doing jump squats over and over through out the day, but uncontrolled ones. So you have poor form, you might be titling forward, or backwards. Simply put not real nice to my knees. What kills me about all of this is that, everything that I have read says that Narcolepsy is not a progressive diisease. In my personal experience everything about it has been progressive. I really don't know how anyone can say the disease is not progressive. The majority of people that I have met that have it tend to feel that they have had to for a long time. They only started to worry about it as their symptoms processed to the point that they had to do something about it. Sometimes I really struggle with medical "experts". I really think that they make educated guesses, there is nothing wrong with that, but they take their guess and say it is gospel. Why don't they say, we think this might be the case, instead of saying that something "is" the case when they don't really know. If nothing else, I have learned to never say, "well it can not get any worse". You never know what might happen and no matter what the experts say, there are always exceptions. On the positive side of things, I HAD a GOOD day! I pushed through even though my mind did not like me today. I did the best that could do. I will wake up tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a better day!
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Have our ever felt trapped? Up until today I would probably say, no.
Today Angie was off dress shopping with her brother's fiance. Anthony was off working with his grandfather. That left me, Eric, and Alex at home. Now I enjoy spending time with them as we have lots of fun. We can watch TV, play outside, play games, etc. Today we started off by watching Mortal Kombat, which neither of the boys had seen before and it was pretty fun. But as lunch near I felt kind of trapped. As it was just us three I was thinking about what we could have for lunch. As I thought about it I realized that we had limited options. We could either eat something for home or get something delivered. That was it. I can not drive so we could not drive anywhere. We really could not walk to a couple restaurants that are close because while I could walk there fine the trip back was not a given. Beyond that I was trying to think about thinks that we could do. First I thought about tennis. But then I realized that this would not work. We might have been able to walk to the courts but then again the walk home was not guaranteed. I could not take the boys shopping anywhere because again I can not drive. Yes there were many things that we could do, but in the big scheme of things our options were limited. There were no drivers left in the house and walking anywhere to do anything really was not an option either. Now all and all the day turned out pretty good. Zach came over and picked us up some lunch and then he hung out with us. We played my new game Slammo for a while and had a blast. Overall things went well, but I still had that awful feeling in my gut. If Angie and Anthony are out of the house, I am pretty much stuck here. I can't drive anywhere and in all honesty I can not walk anywhere by myself. It is a pretty awful, when you realize that you went from being a very independent person to being completely dependent in terms of going anywhere. Some times Narcolepsy just blows! On the bright side I will still wake up tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a better day! After almost 3 months without having the proper medications I am pretty sure that I won't be seeing them any time soon. During that time I had allowed Narcolepsy to win the battle. I had become very inactive and I was not fighting back as hard as I am capable.
I have decided that this in activety has to stop. Yes I am more tired than I was with the proper meds and I need more sleep, but that does not mean I can not be active. Starting last Sunday I made a change. I am back to getting a good amount of steps a day. Precisely I have been getting 20k steps a day. Yes my feet and legs are sore, but I can no longer allow myself to just sit in my chair waiting. Yes I have to be careful because my cataplexy is going crazy, but as long as I am really active it does not bother me when active. I hope that at some point my doctor and my insurance get things straightened out, but I am no longer going to just sit here. Narcolepsy will not beat me, it might win a couple battles but it will never win the war. I will wake up tomorrow to fight again and it will be a better day. How simple is it to read? Reading is something that most people can do, right?
Two years ago that was true for me. I was able to read. I was not a huge reader but if I found a series that I liked I would make my way through it. For instance one of my favorite book series is "The Wheel Of Time". It took me forever to read the series as the first book was brutal and on top of that there is a ton of books. But I really liked the series. When I read, it gave me a chance to simply relax and get lost in what ever book I was reading. I could easily get lost in the book and kind of forget about everything that was going on around me. It was a great stress relief and just something that I really enjoyed doing. Today, reading is not something that I can enjoy. To read I would have to stop moving and just sit some where. Well that is not going to happen. If I just sit now, I am going to go to sleep. I know the next question is how do I write and/or follow Facebook. Well there are a couple things there. To write I am not only reading what I am writing but I am using my hands. On top of that I also have to have something else going on. Specifically a TV show or movie going on in the back ground that I am paying attention to. I need to have multiple stimuli or I can not write. To follow Facebook I have some of the same things going on. I normally don't read the detail on every possible that I see, so I use my hand to continually scroll down to the next post. Again I am not only reading but I am also using my hands. Additionally I still have to have that additional stimuli in the background. So reading, I can not use my hands to read. Yes I would occasionally have to swipe to move the page but not continuous movement. Second if I am to get lost in a book I can not kind of focus on a something in the background because I would lose my focus on the book. Some have suggested that try listening to book instead of reading it. A couple problems, I still would not have any motion as I would simply be listening to something. I could, jog in place, but even doing that I need multiple stimuli for that to be affectve. Also if I am trying to focus on what someone is saying it will be hard to also focus on something in the background. I would not be able to give myself enough stimuli. I don't want anyone to feel bad or sorry for me because I can no longer really read. I simply want people to not take for granted what they have. While reading might seem like a simple thing, when you can't do it, you realize how much miss it. It is the small things that you do every day that really have the most meaning. I will wake up tomorrow and it will be a better day. Narcolepsy will not beat me! What is really important in life? Is it having a really good job with a great title? Is it being filthy rich and having everything material thing you ever wanted? Every person has their own definition but to me the most important thing is family.
Previous to my Narcolepsy symptoms being crazy I always said that I felt family was number one. I told everyone the same and I honestly felt that I lived my life that way. But as they, "hind sight is 20/20", I don't think I really lived my life that way. There a couple things that tell me this is true. One things was a movie that my wife and I watched today. Overall the movie was pretty good, despite being a straight to DVD movie only available at Walmart. The key lesson in the movie was that family is the most important thing. Specifically in the movie, one parent gave up a chance to be a big time musician and the other gave up a chance to being a big time pilot. In both cases they chose to be part of a family instead of being famous. The other thing is looking back at my life before Narcolepsy. While I always said that family was number one, my action did not always say that. There were countless times that I did not attend events for my kids because something at work did not allow me. I justified it by saying with out this job my family would really be hurting. My justification was that money for family was more important than then our family events. Potentially there might have been a couple cases where that was true but not in every case. Today I learned that my choices in the past to skip the family things was wrong. Alex, (my youngest son) had a trip to learn how natural maple syrup was made. The weather was not so good; it was cold, windy, and rainy, but that really did not dampen the field trip at all. Honestly from the moment the kids arrived at the party to start the field trip I had fun. My wife and I drove separately from the kids so we arrived before the kids got there. As the kids were unloading form the bus Alex saw our car and started waving at us like a madman. He was over joyed that we were there. He knew we were coming but to see us actually there made his day. Not only was he waving like a mad man but he was smiling ear to ear. The field trip start with a quick presentation that was followed up with going in the woods. To get to the correct spot we had a couple minute bus ride. Alex insisted that I sit next to him. Of course as we rounded each corner, we "accidently" bumped into each other, you know we could not help it. Both Alex and I were having a ball. After going through the woods and see sap being collected we had to go back the building the presentation was done at. Of course I had to sit next to Alex again and for some reason we kept running into each other again. I am sure if you saw us you would have thought we were two kids playing around. Pretty much we were. Once back the kids did some activities in the building to learn a little more. I had a lot of fun helping the kids complete the tasks and learn a little. I probably had just as much fun as they did. We finished up the trip by going outside for some hands on fun. For the hands on stuff the kids got to experience drilling a hole in a tree, (it was a stump) and putting in a spile. I helped each kid in the group and it was great seeing their excitement as they accomplished their goal of making a hole and inserting the spile. The last thing to do was to actually taste home made maple syrup. The kids faces were priceless. You would have thought they were going to eat liver. They were making all kinds of ugly faces before they even tried the syrup even though they were busting from the seams in anticipation. Once they actually tried the syrup those ugly faces turned into bright smiles. It was great seeing all of those smiling faces. You would think the fun was done there, but it was not. Alex really wanted me to ride the bus back to school with him. I was a little concerned as I can't sit anywhere for more than a minute or two without falling asleep, but Alex really wanted me to, so I did. That was the right choice. Alex and I messed around the entire time. You know how those corners make you slide into your seat partner, OOPS. One of Alex's friends was sitting alone in front of us and looked kind of sad. So.... Alex and I had to cheer him up. With in a couple minutes we had him smiling ear to ear. He was quite but his smile told a great story. You could tell that he was enjoying us. As we got closer to the school Alex and a couple of his friends sitting a row back started messing with me. I was pretending like I was trying to look at them with out them seeing me, (think peek a boo kind of). Alex and his two friends were all giggles and smiles. You would have thought they were paying their favorite game and they were winning. It was great fun to do it and to see/hear the joy of the kids. Finally as we were pulling up to the school Alex started giving bunny ears, (of course I knew what he was doiing). There was another kid two seat back who was the only one to "tell" me about it. Before we got off the bus I could physically see 5 kids having a blast and the giggles told me there were many more. It is amazing how much fun can be had on a short bus ride. To my amazement during that 10 minute bus ride I did not think about Narcolepsy once. I did not feel like I was falling asleep, I did not worry about my knees buckling. I was just having fun being a kid with my son and his friends. For that little bit of time I was not that guy with Narcolepsy I was just fun dad. Yes within minutes of leaving the school I started to hit a wall. Yes I ended up needing a 2 hour nap. Yes my knees turned into jello... BUT, it was worth it. I would do it all over again, day after day, because it is those small moments that mean the most. It is the goofing around on the bus that Alex is going to remember most, not good of a job that I once had, or my Narcolepsy symptoms. Alex is going to remember the fun he had with his dad and that is all. If I could find a cure for Narcolepsy today, I would use it no questions asked, but I would live my life differently. I would truly put my family first. Without my family what would I really have, physical possessions but not much else. I would treasure those little moments instead of coming up with a reason for why I can not do them. Narcolepsy may have taken many things from me, but it is also teaching me many new things. Don't wait until something big happens in your life to realize what is really important in your life. Don't focus on the material things but those things that will truly stay with your forever, those little moments. I will wake up to fight Narcolepsy again tomorrow and I am grateful for that. But I can not say that tomorrow will be better than today, because today was a pretty good day. I had LOTS of those little moments! How many times have you heard the question or asked it yourself; how do you cope with....? What does that question really mean?
In my opinion that question is way to broad to be affective for anyone. I say this because no matter what you are dealing with there is more than one issue that goes along with that issue. Take for instance someone that has recently lost a loved one. What things is that person dealing with at any one time: - Possibly funeral arrangements - The pain of losing their loved one - Possibly the question of how they can keep going on with out that loved one - Maybe guilt based upon a last conversation or fight - Possibly worrying about their children and how they are doing There are endless possibilities of what that person can be dealing with. So to ask that person how they are coping is way to broad. What issue is being asked about? More than likely the person in question is using multiple different things to cope with each item. There really isn't one answer they can give you. My guess is that the answer they give you is really meant just to acknowledge your concern because there truly is no way that they could tell you how they are coping with all of the things they are facing. With this in mind I recently seen someone ask, "How do you cope with Narcolepsy?" Again this question is very difficult to answer. The first problem is that Narcolepsy, (probably not much different than any other medical concern) affects each person differently. Additionally some people are able to deal with some things better than others. Take for instance some of my symptoms with Narcolepsy: - Extremely tired/fatigued - Poor sleep - Cataplexy - Memory Issues - Speech Concerns - etc For me if you ask me how I am coping I normally will respond to how I deal with the tired/fatigued symptom. I try to keep moving as much as possible because that tends to keep me somewhat awake. But that is really only part of the question. If were to try and answer how I cope with each symptom most people would lose interest and more than likely I would lose my train of thought. When asked about how you cope, most people normally give you a boiler plate answer to the thing that is affecting them the most at the time. In all reality that answer is simply a very small portion of what they are doing to deal with whatever is ailing them. In my opinion instead of asking someone how they are coping with something we should probably ask them how we can help. That way we don't make assumptions in thinking we know what really is bothering the person or how they are dealing with it. Or if we really want to know how someone is coping with something we should be more specific about what they are coping with. For instance if you want to know how I deal with being so tired/fatigued, be specific and ask that. Ask, how do you cope with the fatigue in your daily life. That way you honestly know what is going on and you are not making any assumptions. Remember you are still going to wake up tomorrow and tomorrow is going to be a better day. I have been officially published for the first tme.
Approximately one month ago submitted a Poem to the Narcolepsy Nework. They put out a quarterly news letter and on the back page they have a creative corner for members. I have been lucky enough to have my writing put in this creative corner. Before being diagnosed with Narcolepsy I really only wrote things for work. I really only did that because I had to. I really preferred to take to people as writing was really not my thing. Narcolepsy as shown me that writing is actually my thing. Even though Narcolepsy has taken many things from me, at the same time it is still opening new doors to me. Writing is one of those doors. This is my first published piece but I hope to have more. In the next couple months I will be featured in an article for the Caring Voice Coalition and I am slowly working on a book. I hope to have more opportunities to get my writings published. Obviously getting published makes me feel good but I also hope what is published helps others. Remember bad things are not always totally bad! They just might open up doors that you could never see before them! I had a thought today after I went back to bed and slept until almost noon. I thought about expectations, but not what others expect of me, what I expect of myself. Is it possible that our own expectations are what make us feel the worst?
Many times people say that they feel bad because they can not meet someone's expectations; a loved one, a friend, a coworker, a boss etc. But doe we really feel bad about those people or maybe something else? It is possible that we feel bad because we expect ourselves to meet others expectations? What do I mean? I will give you an example of myself. Some times I feel like I am letting my boys down because I can not do the things that I once did. I am no longer able to help around the house as much as I did, I am no longer able to work, I am no longer that person that would figure out a way to make things happen. But are those really my boys expectations of me or really my own expectations? I am sure my boys expect things of me but if I am honest with myself they probably have a more realistic set of expectations that I do. While I am the own physically dealing with Narcolepsy they see it every day. They can see how hard it affects me and how hard I fight it every day. My guess is that most days I probably not only meet their expectations but I probably pass them up. But many days to me it is not enough. Why? Because as much as I have come to terms with Narcolepsy, I don't always want to admit that I can not do as much as I did in the past. My last couple months of work are probably another good example of me put to high of expectations on myself. My company was doing poorly and because of that I was not only the manager but I was also the floor guy, (I was a Quality Manager in a small machine shop). I did everything in my power to make sure that my department not only met expectations but surpassed them. I pushed past my limits on a daily limit, (most days I crashed on the way home). I think I did this because I want to prove that I was still able to do everything I could do in the past. I would complain about how hard it was and how much work it was, but I did it anyway. I did not want to be seen as a week link. In reality I know that my boss was extremely happy with my work and many times felt bad for what I did. But in my eyes I had no choice but to continue to push to meet "his" expectations, or more truthfully my expectations. What does all of this mean? We need to stop trying to meet other people's expectations and be honest with ourselves. When you really stop and think about it, if we can not meet our own expectations we will never be able to meet others. We need to really look at ourselves and honestly evaluate what we can really do. Once we honestly know what we can do then we can set realistic goals for ourselves. As we meet those goals we will feel much better about ourselves. If nothing else that will make our days be a little better because we are not striving to achieve the unachievable. Remember you will wake up tomorrow and it will be a better day. Remember that you need to set "your own" honest expectations. How many times have you heard someone say that they simply want to feel better? What do they really mean by better? How can anyone help them reach better, as it is a pretty abstract idea?
Maybe instead of saying that you want to feel better it is more beneficial to define what you want improved. Think about it this way. When you set a work out or fitness goal normally you have a better chance to meet that goal if you are precises about it. What goal do you think is more achievable; I want to lose 10 pounds this summer or I want to lose weight this summer? In my opinion the defined goal is more effective because it is measurable, you can track your progress, you know where you are. How about these goals; I want to get more fit this summer or I want to run a 10k in a 10 minute mile pace? What is more fit? How do you track that, how do you measure that? Now a 10k at a certain pace, first you can record your ability to run the distance. Then you can record your speed and work towards getting faster. The defined goals make it much easier to track and keep yourself motivated because they are measurable and the results are easy to see. Now lest look at "feeling better". What does that really mean? Can you quantify that? Can you measure that in any way? Honestly can you really even define that? Maybe it is better to define what you would like to improve. Then you and your doctor's have something to shoot for. While you may have many things you want to improve it is easier to fix one at a time. Kind of like the saying, "eat the elephant one bite at a time". So next time you go to your doctor instead of telling them you want to feel better, tell them specifically want you want to improve. Then you both can work on improving that item. If you manage to improve that item then you can move on to the next defined item. If nothing else you will have defined task in your own mind to focus on. You will be surprised what you can do when you put your mind to it. Stop thinking about all of your issues/symptoms together. Stop trying to fix everything at once. Work on taking care of them one at a time. Work on eating the elephant one bite at a time. Remember tomorrow will be a better day. Remember that tomorrow you will wake up to fight again. Remember to only eat the elephant one bite at a time. Cataplexy is such a strange thing. I swear that the medical community is lost about what it is or what causes it. I say that because everything that you read says that the majority of people with cataplexy have a strong emotion tied to it. They follow that up by saying that you might not have an emotion tied to it but that is unlikely.
In my short time knowingly dealing with Narcolepsy I have run into many people that have cataplexy that does not have a known emotional trigger. I would definitely say that more people wth Narcolepsy have the trigger than not, but it definitely is not rare as the medical community would like to think. For me my cataplexy is knee buckling. It can affect both knees and I can not identify any emotion that triggers it. It seems that my fatigue/level of tiredness is what triggers my cataplexy. So the more tired/fatigued that I am the more my knees buckle. With that in mind as I have been without two of my medications since the New Year I have been much more tired/fatigued. My cataplexy went from being pretty much isolated to bed time when I was ready for bed to now being an all day event. Before the New Year I managed my cataplexy pretty good. It did not really have any affect on my daily life. I could make it through most days without any cataplexy events. As I got ready for bed it was not uncommon for my knees to start buckling but not to bad. I could make it to bed without any real trouble. Now, there is not really any part of the day that my knees don't buckle. I get up in the morning, get out of bed, and slowly walk to the bathroom as my knees buckle with what seems like every step. For me to walk to any room in my house my knees with buckle multiple times almost guarenteed. Because of the increased buckling my hips and knees are starting to hurt more often than not. I can only assume it is from the sudden jolts and from my other side trying to keep my up right. On top of that the intensity of the buckles is getting worse. In the past the buckles were normally a little more mild. If you did not know any better you might have thought I just made a mistep. Even at its worst I would just simply dip as my other side was strong enough to support me. Now, my buckling is getting worse. Most times now one knee buckles completely and my entire body dips some. I don't know if that is because my other leg is starting to buckle or because the buckle is more severe and it takes more effort to keep myself upright. I also have times where it would appear like I am stomping with one foot. Again this is not by my own doing. It is simply me keeping myself upright and because the buckling is getting worse it takes more effort to stay upright. The apparent stomping is me getting control back on the buckling leg and trying to get it on solid ground to get me standing back upright. Great fun! I honestly hope that once I finally get back on he proper medications that my cataplexy at least slows down a bit. I know better than to expect it to go away totally, but now I can't walk across a room without it hitting me. That simply is not a good thing. Imagine trying to go shopping like that. Normally I don't go shopping for that reason. Tomorrow I will wake up to fight again. Tomorrow will be a good day. One day I will be back on the correct meds and my cataplexy will be reduced. Those that are close to me know that my crashing symptoms seem to go in cycles. My crashes can give me an overwhelming urge to sleep that I can not deny, or increased shooting pains, or increased cataplexy, or my eyes won't stay open, or migraines, or all of the above. Normally one symptom goes on overdrive for a bit and the other stay at their normal levels.
Apparently my currently crashing symptom is migraines. Now these migraines can vary from the run of the mill pain in my eyes (kind of like someone is jabbing something into them), or I can have pressure in my eyes (almost like someone is trying to push my eye balls out of their sockets), or a migraine that makes me sensative to light, sound, and movement, or I can get migraines that simply feel like my entire head is going to explode. The funny thing with any of the migraines is I do better when I keep going, but once I stop bam, I am hit full force. Well yesterday was my birthday and the entire day I had a good time, but I apparently pushed to hard. Honestly that is not a huge surprise Angie and I drove to Rockford and back, any car rides just burn me out and a trip to Rockford and back really drain me. On top of that I was up until around 10:00pm with out stopping. I faked it until I made it, :) . Well once everyone was gone and it was time to go to bed I paid for it 10 fold. My head litteraly felt like it was going to blow off my head. I had tears running down my face as I tried to go to sleep. Angie got me a cold pack and I tried to go to sleep. I curled up in a ball on my new seat, (I received a new reclining loveseat for my birthday), put my headphones in, had an ice pack on my head, and went to sleep. Luckily for me I went to sleep quickly and actually sleep pretty good for me. I woke up around 6am and was going to get up but my headache came back, apparently it had not tortured me enough yet. Finally around 8:30 I woke up and felt OK in terms of my head. I guess it is true when I say tomorrow will be another day. I woke up today and my head felt better and I started over. So far my day has been pretty good including playing a new outside game. My crash was bad but I have survived. That is a good lesson for all of us. Things may be bad but it will get better. You just have to make it through the bad and it will be better. Yesterday was my birthday and overall it was a pretty good day.
Once I got up my wife and I had lunch with Audrey McBride, one of our best friends. Lunch was pretty good because we went to Red Robin. Angie and I shared a mint brownie shake, which is my favorite flavor, (goes with my favorite ice cream being mint chocolate chip icecream). Thas was followed up with fish and Red Robin's famous endless french fries, (those that know me well know that I can eat fries for ever). Lunch finished up with the servers singing me happy birthday and sharing a sundae with Angie and Audrey. After that Angie, Alex and me picked out an icecream cake for my birthday celebration. Icecream cake is my favorite cake so instead of a conventional cake I always get an I cream one. I also shared a grasshopper cupcake with Angie and Alex, as they did not have a big enough cake of that kind for us to buy it. After buying the cake we picked up Eric and made our way home. To my surprise when we got home I was given my big birthday preseant; Angie and the boys replace my recliner with a recliner loveseat, (basically a loveseat that has two recliners and a counsel in the middle). As my old recliner was on the way out it was an awesome gift but now I also get to sit with Angie together. Before I was always in my chair and she was on the loveseat. We were close but not on the same seat. We finished the day off by having a duel birthday celebration with Jamie. It was a good time for all. There might have been some random tissue paper and wrapping paper thrown around. Some people might have gotten struck in the head an face. We had taco boats with all fixens. For desert we not only had my icecream cake but there was also cheese cake and a normal cake. Something for everyone. I received lots of good gifts besides the reclining loveseat. Some of the more memorable ones were the following; a stuffed animal from Alex - it has the softest ears just like the really silky stuff that used to be on the edges of blankets, Zach and Devin gave me a really cool wolf candle, Angie and the boys gave me a cool outdoor game called slammo (we played it today and it was really fun), Cheryl gave me a very nice photo album - it sure did bring back some good memories going through it, Jamie gave me an IOU for the two of us to have a dinner minus anyone else (Wahooo - :) ), Mike gave me some Magic cards so that I will have mine own to whoop the boys with now. I got many other good gifts those were just some that stuck out in my mind. Thanks everyone for making my birthday special, I almost felt "normal" for a little bit. Sleep deprivation, what does it really mean.... Why have we heard that sleep deprivation is used as a torture tactic....
In my mind sleep deprivation is a real thing. But, it does not just have to me getting "sleep", because even if you sleep you have to have the proper sleep or it does not restore your body. Many narcoleptics get plenty of sleep, in some cases they get a huge amount of sleep but they do not get restorative sleep. There are multiple theories on why narcoleptics do not get restorative sleep but the two most common reason that I have seen are the following: - Because PWN are in REM so often their minds never rest. Essentially their minds are on 24/7. - PWN also tend to have interrupted sleep at night. While they might not fully awake their sleep cycles are interupted. The downside to not having restorative sleep is pretty nasty. Essentially because your mind never shuts off, it is always fatigue. It is always trying to shut down and get the rest it needs. It does not matter times of day it is or what is going on, if your mind decides it has had enough it is going to try and shut you down. To me that is why PWN can go to sleep so easy, (in most cases) they are simply sitting right on the edge of being awake and being asleep. Their mind is always pushing them to sleep, so it does not take much for them to slip into sleep. That is just the mental recovery side of things. No restorative sleep also has some physical impacts. Our body regenerates itself when you get the proper sleep; think healing cuts, getting over colds, muscle recovery after a very active day ect. For me the worse my sleep is the worse my healing is. When my sleep is at its worst I can have minor cuts take 3 or 4 weeks to heal. If I had the same cut say 4 years ago may times it would be healed with in a week. Another is colds. My wife likes to talk about the "man cold" but is it possible that maybe my colds hang on longer and seem to be worse because my body simply struggles to heal itself. Muscle recovery for me when my sleeping is off is weird. May times I don't make it the next day to be sore. I start to feel intense pain while doing the active things. Instead of being sore the next day I get shooting pains in my muscles as I use them. My sleep is also negatively affected by my poor sleep. While I know that sounds funny but it is true. The more of a sleep debt that I build the worse my sleep gets. I need to seep more, my mind pushes for me to sleep more, and in many cases I sleep more, BUT the sleep has little impact. I can sleep all night, nap most of the day, and then sleep all night again only to wake up the next day feeling like I never slept. Other times the larger my sleep debt gets the harder it is for me to sleep. I can go to sleep in a minute or less but I keep waking up every 30 minutes to an hour. Of course waking up that much basically makes your sleep worthless in terms of recovery so my sleep debt just keeps climbing. To make matters worse as your mind gets more and more fatigue your overall sleep cycle goes haywire. Because your mind is constantly trying to put you to sleep there are times that it forgets what time it is. In those cases, insomnia because your side kick and you are up when you really want to sleep. I believe sleep deprivation is a real thing and I can see how it can be used for torture. No one is trying to torture me and many days it is hard to believe that. If someone tells you that they are tired don't pretend to know what they have going on. Just because they slept all night and multiple naps does not mean that they got the sleep they needed. Also don't ignore what your own body is telling you. If you are falling asleep through out the day or really early at night, you need more sleep. You can only push so hard and eventually you will crash. That crash will be hard and you will have no control. Don't push so hard that you reach the point of sleep deprivation because it is not worth doing no matter what you are working on. Tomorrow is another day, tomorrow will be a better day (it has to be I am 27 again)! Tomorrow I will wake up and I will fight again because giving in is not acceptable. It is approximately five blocks to walk my youngest son to school. Today I walked with my wife to pick him up after school. Walking there and even jogging in place for a bit while waiting on him to get out went ok. Then there was the trek home....
I stopped jogging in place as we started to cross the street and make are way back home. I no more than crossed the street and things started going down hill real quick for me. My walking speed slowed down to a crawl and my left knee buckled more than not. The farther we walked the more my knees buckled and my eyes started to close. There were multiple points were I was walking with my eyes closed because I could not keep them opened. Two blocks from home we stopped at a friend's house and I simply could not stay awake. Normally I would not sit but my legs were to weak and I was simply too tired to try and jog. Normally I like to try and stay a bit as our friend likes the company but I was fading quickly. I asked my wife for the house key so that I could simply go home so she could stay. She was no so comfortable with that idea, honestly I could not argue with her. We quickly left to finish the last two blocks. Again my left knee was more jello than a solid. My left hip started to hurt from the jolt of my knee constantly buckling. My right knee also started to hurt as it was attempting to keep me upright when my left knee gave out. My wife attempted to get me to speed up as that sometimes snaps me out of things but I was not comfortable trying that. My knees were already buckling so much if I were to speed up I was pretty sure I was not going to stay upright. My wife was in the lead carrying our friends baby, (she was baby sitting), followed by Alex, and then slowly by me. We got home and I immediately went to sleep. I had only been "up" since 9:30 and by 3:15 I had no choice but to sleep as I was done. Can you imagine what it feels like when you can even walk five blocks? It is amazing what Narcolepsy can do to a person. It is amazing to think that a disease that affects your mind can take away your ability to walk. Simply put Narcolepsy is a very powerful disease that can affect every aspect of your life. On the flip side, tomorrow will be a better today. On the positive side I woke up today no matter how late it was. Tomorrow I will wake up and begin the fight again, but this time I will WIN! Molly is our black lab. We got her when she was just shy of a year old. He previous family did not feel they could spend enough attention to here so they wanted to find a good home for her. Luckily for us we were able to add her to our family.
Now Molly was the runt of the litter, she is small for a black lab but we are OK with that. She has calmed a bit but she can still be a crazy dog. But the most important thing is that she loves all of us. When Molly first joined our family she was pretty quiet. She would run around the house like a mad dog but she did not bark much. We did not get her as a watch dog but we did not think she was going to be much of one because she was so quiet. Boy were we WRONG! Molly has turned into one of the best watch dogs that we have had. If you did not know any better from outside she sounds like a MASSIVE dog! She barks and barks and raises quiet the ruckus. Now if the boys are home alone, she is even louder. She has actually managed to shut the front door on me because she did not realise it was me yet. Angie told me that the first night I was in the hospital after having my gallbladder removed Molly was on high alert. Molly planted herself on Angie and was not going to let her move. She was going to make sure Angie was safe no matter what. Today Angie and the boys went to the store when I was napping. Molly laid next to me on the chair unless she felt the need to check on something. Once she was done she was back to my side. As I was starting to wake up, she planted herself at the window and sat quietly as she made sure no one got in the house. I have no doubt that no one was getting in our house unless I let them in. Molly is not only a great watch dog but she is basically my therapy dog. If I am sitting in my chair 90% of the time she is laying under the foot rest. If I get up to do something she will follow me there and then back to my chair. On my bad days she sticks to me even closer. She will literally follow me into the bathroom and lay on the floor until I am done. She will put her head on the arm rest and just watch me. If I lay back to nap, she is on the chair with me. She wont leave my side until I get up and then it is only to follow me to where ever I go. Many times she will put her paw up on the chair almost like she is saying it will be ok. Long story short, Molly is an extremely important part of our family. As silly as it sounds she knows our needs probably better than we know hers. She is about as loyal as it gets. While Angie and I have three biological sons, we also have two daughters and another son, Molly, Pickles and Oscar. They are just as much our children as our sons are. I know there have been countless times were Molly greeting me or her following me around has brought a smile to my face. On those bad days a smile is one of the most powerful things. That smile might not fix my day, but sure does make it better even if it is only for a moment. Angie and I were watching Fuller House the other day and there was a very interesting part about fathers. It really got me thinking about what being a father really means.
Being a father does not mean you have to do tons of huge things for your kids. While yes they would love to go to a NFL football game, or to a Nascar race, those things are not necessary. I honestly think that the little things are more important. A current example in my life was with Alex, (my youngest). He was in a basketball competition and he really wanted to do well. Because of the weather we did not get a lot of chances to practice at home. Fortunately their were a couple of chances for me to help him practice outside before the competition. We probably did not spend more than a total of 1 hour outside practicing but it was meaningful. He actually thanked me for practicing with him. Then on the day of the competition I helped him warm up. Again he thanked me for helping him practice and warm up. While this might seem like something simple I am willing to be that those are the moments he will remember best. He is not going to focus on the bad days that I have. He is not going to focus on all of the big things, it will the little things that will really mean the most. I honestly think this applies no matter the age of your children. This winter Anthony, (my oldest) and I built a ping pong table together, (it just sits on top of the pool table). It took us a couple of days but we did it. This ping pong table is used almost every day. When we have family events many times we all go down and play. He has actually invited friends over to play on the table. Again this is not something big, I think we spent less than $50 to get the supplies. It only took a couple days, but it has provided us hours and hours of fun. Instead of focusing on how an illness, a string of bad luck, or a loss may negatively affect our kids we should instead focus on providing those little moments of joy. We should focus on givinig as much as we can to our kids and those are the moments that they remember most, not the bad times. Think about this. When you tell stories about your kids or reminisce about your childhood, you talk about the little moments. You talk about the things that made you smile or that made you happy. The small little moments. Remember that when you are having a bad day, remember that it is the small moments that count! Remember that the small moments are the ones that will stick. With all the things that Narcolepsy has already thrown at me I thought I had reached the limits of its reach. Well, I was incorrect in that assumption. I really should have known better.....
My sleep has been a mess lately. My new doctor is working on getting me back on Xyrem so when I ran out of Baclofen I stopped taking it. My thought process was that I would not have to wait until I was off Baclofen long enough, (nobody said I would have to wean off it or have any issues stopping but I wanted to make sure). Well I am still waiting on Xyrem and I have no Baclofen left. That would be a problem. With all of that said I have been switching between having insomnia and simply crappy sleep. On the nights I don't have insomnia I am still up at 1, 2, 3 in the morning. Of course being a Narcoleptic I can go back to sleep pretty easy but my sleep is trash after that. Pretty much if I don't get up when I first wake up, not matter how early it is my subsequent sleep is pointless. So, on this particular night I woke up way to early, sometime around 1:30. Instead waking up countless times and going back to sleep I just decided to get up. I went out to the living room and zombied out on my recliner. I did not turn the TV on but I did use my tablet. Thankfully this night within a couple hours I hit that wall. My eyes became self closing, as it was before the crack of dawn I did not fight it and I went to sleep. I ended up sleeping on my left side with my dog sleeping next to me, she has got to be the closest thing there is to a therapy dog without being one. Unfortunately even though I hit the wall I still woke up multiple times. One of the times I was actively dreaming and in my dream I was trying to reach out to either catch or stop something. The strange thing was that I was not able to move my arm. For some reason that snapped me right out of my dream and woke me up. Being that I remembered my dream I decided to try and move me arm. No go, that stubborn thing would not move. Being that I have read about sleep paralysis many times I had an idea of what was going on, so I did not freak out about it I just figured I would chill out and try again in a bit. After chilling out for a while, don't as me how long, I tried to move my arm again. NOPE, that sucker was not moving from my side. Instead of worrying about it I figured I did not want to be up anyways so I just went back to sleep. Narcolepsy is good for something. Luckily for me, so far this has been my only experience with sleep paralysis and I think it was a pretty mild one. Some people wake up frightened because they are still half in a dream and they are not able to move any part of my body, (honestly I don't know what I could or could not move because I only tried to move my arm). These people have the double whammy; scared and not being able to move. At this point I know better to than to save that Narcolepsy can't throw me any new curve balls. My symptoms change and morph sometimes daily. I honestly don't know what to expect day to day. Honestly this disease has thrown me more curve balls in the last 18+ months than I had seen in the previous 34 years of my life. One thing that I do know though, is that this disease will not beat me. I know that no matter what I will wake up the next day and it will be better than the last. Plus there are not many people that can say they have so many strange things going on with themselves. I am a rock start of crazy ways my mind can play with me. :) See you tomorrow, I look forward to you being better than today! How many times have you heard some one say had a productive day today? What does that really mean?
In my mind productivite is a word that is really for the working world. If someone is considered productive they were able to meet quotas. If someone is considered to not be productive they are not able to reach quotas. They would need to do something to increase their productivity or they could get in trouble. With that in mind how does the word productive or productivity apply in your personal lives? Who sets a quota or guideline on what you MUST accomplish or you have some how failed? Is it really even possible to fail in your personal lives in terms of being productive? Not really, as you set your own goals. But they are goals or guidelines to have keep your motivated not determine if you need to try harder. I think when we look at ourselves we should stop using the word productive. Instead we should say that we accomplished something today. While yes that is simply a minor word change, think about the difference in defintion. If you are productive, it implies that you met some sort of quota. If you are accomplished, you have done something not expected. Think about this when you talk about great achievements normally people used the word accomplished. For instance; have you seen everything that he accomplished. He was able to scale the tallest mountain in the world, he is self made millionare... That sounds pretty good doesn't it. Now how about using productive.... He was very productive; he was able to scale the tallest mountain...... Accomplished sounds so much better and implies great things. Recently I blogged about the power of positive thinking. Using the word accomplished instead of productive is another step in that process. I was accomplished today, I was able to get the dishes done, the laundry folded.... As you transition to using accomplished simply saying what you have done each day can become a pick me up. Plus there is no negative connotations. There is no way to perceive something bad when you say you accomplished something. Try it and see how it feels! Today I was very accomplished. With the help of my wife, we did some cleaning in a friend's home who is not capable to do that herself. We provided her with some companionship and helped her smile. I played soccer and volleyball with my wife and boys. I did not nap. I was very accomplished. Try it! Today I received an email that both surprised me and kind of made me feel proud. Today I was asked if I would be willing to write my story for the Caring Voice Coalition newsletter.
I am truly honored to be able to share my story with others that face daily challenges. The Caring Voice has already provided me with a venue to share my story with a small amount of people during their weekend treat and now they are providing me with an even large audience. If you would have asked me 3 years ago if I would be willing to write something about my life I probably would have told you no. I really had no interest in writing, nor did I have a want to share my story. Even if I would have written something I would have not felt that it would help anyone in any way. Yes things have changed greatly in my life, but my goals were different then. While I was open to helping others, I definitely did not go out of my way to do that. While Narcolepsy has affected my life in many negative ways not all is bad. I think that now that I am no longer focused on work my interests have changed. I actually enjoy writing my blogs. I can not tell you why but I really enjoy doing it. Because of Narcolepsy I am now able to actively help others. Sometimes it may simply be my writings and other times it is through talking to them. Before Narcolepsy I did not have near as many opportunities to help other or really the drive to help. I was always busy with something else. I truly hope that my story is able to help others. I truly hope that I am able to repay Caring Voice's faith in me and write something truly meaningful. Thank you Narcolepsy for giving me the ability to help others, to share my story, and to opening my eyes to writing things. As much as Narcolepsy sucks it has opened new doors and avenues in my life that may not have been opened with out it. When you hear someone use the cliché, "the power of positive thinking", what do they think? My guess is that most people think that is simply a cliché. I mean how can positive thinking overpower a physical ailment? How can positive thinking overpower extreme pain?
Well, I don't think that it is a cliché! I think that it is a reality. Think about this... When you visit a friend or in the hospital the mood is normally blah. If you are able to get to your friend to reminisce about good times or crack a joke and get them to smile everyone's mood changes. Things go from being blah to at list ok, but many times the mood will go all the way to happy. If you are able to keep the good mood going your friend will almost forget why they are in the hospital. Many times their pain will be less, they might breathe a little better, they simply feel a little better. Because you were able to give them a positive thing to look at, at least in the moment things were a little better. Fixed, no, but better. Think about this, you wake up in a bad mood, maybe because you had a bad dream. If you walk out into your living room and your significant other manages to make you laugh, you start to forget about your bad mood. After a couple minutes you forget all about your bad mood and you are now in a good mood. All because something made you smile. So try this, on your worst days, instead of focusing on the pain, the limitations, whatever, think about the good times. Think about the day you married your significant other, the day your child was born, that day in high school you acted like a complete fool. Maybe keep a link on your computer to website with funny sayings. When you are feeling down, go to the site and just read to your hearts content. Laugh out loud, belly laugh, don't hold it in, simply enjoy the moment. Another options is to keep your favorite picture near by, a picture that always brings a smile to our face. These things won't fix the world or make everything go away but they sure will make them more bearable. They will make it easier for you to push forward. For me I have lots of moments that make me smile and proud: - the day my wife, (then girlfriend) pushed me into a rabbit cage with rabbit poop - the day that I started dating my wife - the day I graduated from college - the days my boys were born - many funny moments from my boys I honestly could go on for a long time. But one of the memories that always brings a smile to my face is when my wife and I were dating. One day her, my best friend, and I went to the local library. This is a pretty good sized library that we were not that familiar with so we had to walk around and see what it was like. So as the three of us walked through the library, I held my best friends hand as my wife walked behind us. She was so embarrassed and my friend and I just laughed and smiled as we had a blast. Silly yes, but every time it is brought up it brings a smile to my face. With that in mind I challenge anyone reading this blog to do three things: 1. Find one picture that when you look at it you are instantly taken back to one of the best times in your life and put it somewhere that you can retrieve it when ever you need it. Honestly the frig is probably one of the best places because you will then see it every day. 2. Create a list of memories that make you feel proud, happy, smile, etc. Any memory that takes you to a good place. 3. Last and probably most important. Everyday look at your picture. Everyday glance at your list. You don't have to take hours or even minutes, just simply glance at them. That quick moment could change the direction of your day. Remember tomorrow is always another day! Remember tomorrow will be a good day! Remember once that bad moment passes, it is gone, only to be replaced by a better one! If nothing else think of my wife walking behind me while I hold my best friends hand, (and yes my best friend was male)! Good times! I had my evaluation today with a doctor from the state for my disability claim.
Overall the evaluation went as good as I could have hoped for, (kind of). The longest part of the evaluation was a bunch of memory tests. Remembering word pairs, drawing something that you only see for 10 seconds, remembering cards etc. The test was kind of rough on me as I was really trying to focus hard and do my best, (that is all I know how to do). On top of that I had to sit in a chair the entire time. Of course the meant that I was swaying all around. The more I tried to focus the more it felt like my head was moving. At one point I had to ask the guy to give me a second because I could get my right eye to stay focused or opened. Since the guy mentioned that he does not work for the state but is a contractor I asked him his opinion on my claim. His initial answer was, "you are a mess". We then asked about the memory tests. He said that overall he felt that I test pretty good. He actually said that he thought I would fall in the average to low average range. He then followed that up with, "even in the short amount of time we were together he could tell I was an intelligent person". Because of his feeling on my intelligence he said I should have done better than average on the memory tests. My wife then asked him why they completed the memory tests. He said that normally the state completes those types of test for physical abilities to determine if they are capable of managing their finances if they recieve benefits. If it is determined they are not then the state would appoint someone for them, (if the state felt I needed that my wife would be the one appointed). He finished the discussion up with say that he felt there was no way that my claim should be denied. So a good thing, sort of. A good thing for my family and I in terms of having some constant income. A bad thing because another person feels I am disabled. I know that I am disabled but it do not have to be happy about it. So, the evaluation went as good as I could hope for. Tomorrow is an important date for me. I have to make sure that I pass, or fail, (depends on how you look at it) my two hour test.
I studied hard on the following subjects: - Being Tired/Fatigued - I should be good here maybe even teach the class - Knee Buckling - Check - Associated professor level educated here - Head Bobble - I have my own doll I am so good - Swaying While Standing - My bobble head works in two ways; head and body sway - Memory - What was I talking about again..... I think I have the test aced! On top of studying hard, the appointment is supposed to be 2 hours long. That should work out well. Stick me in a small room with little movement and I just might sleep. Ohhhh wait I think the is the test! WOOT got that one covered also. All jokes aside all I have to do is be me and I think it will be obvious that I just might have some issues. As I am not faking, (I so wish I was) I am not nervous at all. The truth is always the best answer. Wish me luck in passing with flying colors. If nothing else wake up tomorrow and have a good day! Sometimes I simply hate this disease.
Today I was relatively productive but I definitely did not go a crazy amount of stuff. I helped my youngest son practice before his competition and then at the event. I jogged in place for approximately 1 hour during the event. Then I came home and fixed the rear window in my car. I finished up with playing soccer in the street with my boys, (we kick it back and forth - sometimes going for a run when we miss the ball :) ). All of this was finished up by about 6:00pm. I had plenty of time to complete the above tasks and at no point did I feel really rushed. Up until relaxing at 6:00 I was having a pretty good day. Well I think I probably should not have relaxed. I started having lots of shooting pains. I had shooting pains in my arms, legs, feet, lower chest etc. It feels like someone is trying to jam a knife through me when I get these pains. Pretty much my only option is to "grin and bear it" until the pain passes. Some times I can put hard pressure on the point that hurts but it only dulls the pain. There is no rhyme or reason to where or why I get the shooting pains. It is 20 to 10 and I am still having these shooting pains. Right now it feels like someone is repeatedly stabbing the top of my right foot. If that was not bad enough my legs are jello. I feel like I have absolutely no strength in my legs. When I am walking I am pretty much dragging my feet like a 90 year old man. Then because I am moving at the speed of a turtle my knees buckle about every other step. If that were not enough I am struggling badly to stay awake. I am trying to do two or three different things to distract my mind enough to stay awake and it is barely working. My eyes want to close and my attention fades in and out. My head is in overdrive. It is moving in four directions; left, right, up and down. My neck is sore from all of the movment, but it just keeps on trucking. My right eye intermittently feels like someone is trying to push it out from behind. The best I can describe it is an sudden increase of pressure followed up by shooting pains. No one should have to go through just to have a "productive" day. This disease is ridiculous! On the bright side I will be up tomorrow to start all over again. Tomorrow will be a better day because it is a new day. Sometimes I wonder why people would not want to have children.
Today Alex, (my youngest) participated in a basketball competition for the local Just Say No club. He was in the 8 year old boy group. Each participant had three different events; shooting, passing, and dribbling. For shooting they had to attempt 3 "free throws" and then 2 shots of their own choosing. For passing they had to complete 3 chest passes and 3 bounce passes. For dribbling they had to weave between 3 cones going as fast as possible. Alex first had to qualify for this event by doing well enough in his schools competition. Him and one of his friends did well and they made it to the next level. Alex worked hard with both of his brothers and me practicing his shooting and passing, (he had the dribble down pat). This morning before the competition he spent close to an hour again practicing shooting and passing. You could tell he was pretty nervous while practicing but it was OK because he wanted to do his best. When we got to the event he had about 30 minutes to complete some more practicing and he started to loosen up. He was starting to smile again and joke with his friend. The more he practiced the more comfortable he got. His group, 8 year old boys, was the second group to actually compete. He started off shooting and he did very well. I don't know how many shots that he made but I do know he did better than at his school. You could see his confidence was building as he was hoping around and smiling ear to ear. Next he completed the passing section. He only missed one of the passes, all of his hard work really paid off. He finished up with the dribbling. He looked like a blur running through the cones. One of the parents in front of us actually commented that he was REALLY fast. I had a good feeling that he had done well but I was not sure. All of the kids there did their best and nothing was guaranteed. Once all of the participants had completed all of the events there was a small awards ceremony. As the the ceremony was explained to everyone you could see that Alex was starting to get nervous. He stopped laughing as much and he started fiddling with his hands, (his tells of neverousness. They called the participants for Alex group up and gave them all their participation ribbons. It was time to tell who got first...... ALEX FUNK..... I almost cried... My eyes did well up but I managed not to hold back the tears. While this might have been a small event I was still extremely excited for Alex. He practiced hard, gave it his all, had fun, and was very successful. I can not ask anything more of him. I am very proud of Alex! Him and his brothers potential is limitless and as long as they try their best they will continue to succeed. How do you identify yourself? Do you think that your work defines you? Or is it the amount of money that you have? Maybe it is the level of education that you have? What is the best way to identify yourself.
The first three examples that I gave are some of the primary ways that people identify themselves. Work is a big thing for people. They like to be able to say that they have a big title or that if they were not working at their company it will fail. The problem with that is that jobs end, sometimes at your choice but many times not. Does that change who you are? NO! How about money, is that a good way to identify yourself. Sure it would be nice to have lots of money, but just like a job money can disappear. What if someone robs you, does that make you less of a person? NO! What if your investments go belly up, does that make you less of a person? NO! Finally education, should that be how you identify yourself? Well generally speaking education is something that is earned, but some people have bought their education. But I would think that most have earned their education. But does that education make your who you are? NO! Some of the most intelligent people in history failed horribly in school. Some of the most intelligent people that I know have very little education. My grandmother is a perfect example. She has very little formal education but yet she is extremely intelegent. You are not going to pull much over on her. She is as street smart as they come. Education does not define her. I think that there are much better ways to identify yourself with. Things that no matter what happens in your life, you can never lose. How about caring? If you identify yourself as being a caring person can anyone or anything take that away from you? NO! Even on your worst days you are still a caring person. Even on the days that it feels like you have lost everything you are still a caring person. There is nothing that can take that from you. Hardworking? If you identify yourself as hardworking, that can not be taken from you. Take me for instance, I am no longer able to work and I have many limitations that I did not have in the past. BUT, I still feel I am hard working. When I have something that needs to be done I will put everything that I have into it and ensure that it is done. Narcolepsy has taken many things from me, but it has not taken that trait from me. We all really should stop identifying ourselves with tangible things and identify ourselves with traits. Things that really matter are not your job, your education, your title, etc. The things that matter are the things that actually make up you. The things that people would use to describe you. I for one hope people think of me like the following: Caring Hardworking Loving Father Husband Intelligent Understanding Tenacious Problem Solver Etc. Nobody and/or nothing can take those things from me. I will always have them. So on those days that your down because you feel that you don't have enough money, you lost your job, etc remember those things do not define you! |