TIRED
Many times I have heard people say they wish they could sleep like I do. Other times I have heard people say, "What is the big deal everyone is tired?" In many cases these people are correct. There are people that dream about being able to sleep a lot, there are many people that are tired. No one would argue with the fact that a mother after child birth is extremely tired. How about someone in the military that was just on a 3 day assignment with no sleep? They are tired with out a doubt. On a smaller scale everyone is tired at the end of their day. Science has some descriptions that they use to describe how "tired" a person with Narcolepsy is, but those are impersonal and not always easy to relate to. So I am going to describe what tired means to me. I am going to go one step further and explain what a good, bad, and normal day are for me, because everyone has those types of days.
Lets start with a normal day, or as normal of a day as I an have because who really knows what normal is. Normally I wake up between 5:30 and 6:00 in the morning. Unfortunately that is when my night time medications wear off and while I can go back to sleep it will only be for a couple minutes at a time. Once I am up I have a large bowl of cereal, (usually extra raisin, generic raisin brand). Being that is a normal day I am able to sit and eat this bowl of cereal with no real issues. Once I am done eating things change quickly. After I put my bowl in the sink I now have a choice. I either start moving, (jogging in place, ride the bike, run on the treadmill etc) use my tablet and play a video game and essentially shut out the outside world, or go back to sleep. Those are my options and nothing else. If I try to sit in my chair and watch TV I will become a zombie in a no time flat. My eyes may be open and I am sort of aware of what is going on, but I am not there. I am in la la land and many times dreaming, with my eyes open. Aside from the obvious thought that I a not really there once I force myself out of this zombie state I now have two choices, go to sleep or move. Hence sitting in the chair is a no go unless I want to shut the outside world out playing a video game, I can really only move or sleep. Remember that at the latest it is now 6:30 I have to keep moving until I give in and go to bed even though I just "woke" up.
As this is a normal day, my choice is to stay awake so I start moving. This is normally jogging in place as the treadmill is loud and biking turns me into a sweaty mess. Around 7:00 my wife and children wake up and start getting ready for the day. I get ready for the day myself and go back to moving. My wife and I will walk my two youngest boys to school and then go back home. At the latest we get home around 9:00 and again I have to keep moving. Yes I could stop, but that would mean that I am going to sleep. Between 11:00 and noon I eat lunch and it is time for a nap. No matter if the only thing that I did during the day was walk the boys to school a nap is not an option but a requirement. My mind is winning the battle of forcing me to sleep at this point and I am pretty much a mess. My eyes are burning, my legs feel weak, my knees start to buckle, simply put I MUST sleep. This nap will last about 1 to 1.5 hours.
Upon waking up from my nap I have to go back to moving. If I don't, I will simply go right back to sleep. Around 2:30 my wife and I walk to pick up my youngest son from school and then we go back home. The majority of the time I will have to take another nap because I am once again fading and losing the battle to stay awake. So alas I go back to sleep.
Upon waking up from my second nap of the day it is normally time to eat. Now as stated earlier I can not sit, so I stand to eat. Looks odd, but that is what I need to do to stay awake and interact with my family. If I want to play a video game and eat I can do that, but then I would not be able to interact with my family. I would simply eat and play the game nothing else.
For the remainder of the day I have to move. If we watch something on TV I jog in place. If we have a family discussion I jog in place. My options are simply move or sleep. Normally around 8:00 I will run on the treadmill or ride the bike and I will also either do abs or some arm exercises. Even though I might be tired I have to try and stay in the best shape possible because that gives the ability to move all day.
It is now 9:30 and time for bed, (because of my night time medications I have to go to bed at 9:30). As I am getting ready for bed I start to relax and that is a bad thing. If you were to see me you might think I am drunk. My eyes will become blood shot and feel like they are burning out of my head. My legs get weak to the point that I start walking funny. My walking speed slows down quite a bit because I don't want to be walking to fast when my knees buckle. I climb into bed, put my CPAP mask on, put in my ear plugs, take my night time meds and go to sleep. Normally the moment I close my eyes I start to dream. At 2:30am I wake up to take my second does of meds and my day is done.
So a normal day for me is pretty simple. Get up early, move a lot, take a couple naps, and in bed at 9:30. Now I know some people are thinking well why don't I just stand in place. Simple answer is I can't. If I stand in place I start to sway back and forth. The longer I stand the more I sway and within a couple minutes my eyes start to close and I start to fall asleep standing up. Essentially I move or sleep, there is no in between.
It is time to look at a good day. Well a good day is not much different than a normal day. The only difference is that I might get away with sitting in my chair in the morning for about 10 minutes while petting my dog, (she is a small black lab and she would be sitting on my lap licking me while I pet her). I also might only have to take one nap but essentially a good day is not much better than a normal day.
Bad days, they are bad. There are lots of versions of them but I will simply outline two of them. The worst are the days that I wake up in the morning, simply move to my chair and go back to sleep. I will wake up for lunch and go back to sleep. Wake up for supper and go back to sleep. I will wake up one more time before bed time and maybe be "awake" for 1 to 2 hours and then back to bed.
Another form of bad day is that I get a migraine. The only way to get rid of the migraine is to sleep, except I have to sleep for the night. So if I get the migraine in the morning I have it until I go to bed. I can reduce the severity of the migraine by moving, but as soon as I stop moving I am hit with the pain of the migraine full force. These days are great fun. I move as much as I can because even naps are no good. Fortunately the more I move the more shooting pains I get. There is no rhyme or reason to these pains, I can get them in my arms, legs, back, chest, everywhere. If I nap I wake up from the nap and BAM the migraine is back. Not the best way to wake up. These days usually end up with me rolled up into a ball in bed. Unfortunately once I hit the bed to go to sleep my stomach will not up and it is all I can do to get prepared for bed. It is not unheard of for my wife to put my CPAP mask on me or simply hound me until I do what needs to be done. I know I need to put my mask on and take my meds but all I want to do is curl up into a ball and hope it all goes away.
For an average weak I would say I have 4 - 5 normal days, 0-1 good days, and 1 - 2 bad days.
Now you know what "tired" means to me. Tired means my norm, tired means either move or sleep, tired is what I know. I will not compare my tired to anyone else's tired because I am not in their shoes. I only ask that those who are not in my shoes to not compare or judge me as they do not know what I am experiencing.
The moral of this story is not to pity me. The moral of the story is to not judge what you do not know. There is always someone that is facing something worse than you. I for one, hate what I have going on, but I know that I will wake up everyday and still have time with my family. There are others that do not have that knowledge. You don't have to pity anyone either, just be aware that you don't really know what is going on in their world?
So what does tired mean to you?
Lets start with a normal day, or as normal of a day as I an have because who really knows what normal is. Normally I wake up between 5:30 and 6:00 in the morning. Unfortunately that is when my night time medications wear off and while I can go back to sleep it will only be for a couple minutes at a time. Once I am up I have a large bowl of cereal, (usually extra raisin, generic raisin brand). Being that is a normal day I am able to sit and eat this bowl of cereal with no real issues. Once I am done eating things change quickly. After I put my bowl in the sink I now have a choice. I either start moving, (jogging in place, ride the bike, run on the treadmill etc) use my tablet and play a video game and essentially shut out the outside world, or go back to sleep. Those are my options and nothing else. If I try to sit in my chair and watch TV I will become a zombie in a no time flat. My eyes may be open and I am sort of aware of what is going on, but I am not there. I am in la la land and many times dreaming, with my eyes open. Aside from the obvious thought that I a not really there once I force myself out of this zombie state I now have two choices, go to sleep or move. Hence sitting in the chair is a no go unless I want to shut the outside world out playing a video game, I can really only move or sleep. Remember that at the latest it is now 6:30 I have to keep moving until I give in and go to bed even though I just "woke" up.
As this is a normal day, my choice is to stay awake so I start moving. This is normally jogging in place as the treadmill is loud and biking turns me into a sweaty mess. Around 7:00 my wife and children wake up and start getting ready for the day. I get ready for the day myself and go back to moving. My wife and I will walk my two youngest boys to school and then go back home. At the latest we get home around 9:00 and again I have to keep moving. Yes I could stop, but that would mean that I am going to sleep. Between 11:00 and noon I eat lunch and it is time for a nap. No matter if the only thing that I did during the day was walk the boys to school a nap is not an option but a requirement. My mind is winning the battle of forcing me to sleep at this point and I am pretty much a mess. My eyes are burning, my legs feel weak, my knees start to buckle, simply put I MUST sleep. This nap will last about 1 to 1.5 hours.
Upon waking up from my nap I have to go back to moving. If I don't, I will simply go right back to sleep. Around 2:30 my wife and I walk to pick up my youngest son from school and then we go back home. The majority of the time I will have to take another nap because I am once again fading and losing the battle to stay awake. So alas I go back to sleep.
Upon waking up from my second nap of the day it is normally time to eat. Now as stated earlier I can not sit, so I stand to eat. Looks odd, but that is what I need to do to stay awake and interact with my family. If I want to play a video game and eat I can do that, but then I would not be able to interact with my family. I would simply eat and play the game nothing else.
For the remainder of the day I have to move. If we watch something on TV I jog in place. If we have a family discussion I jog in place. My options are simply move or sleep. Normally around 8:00 I will run on the treadmill or ride the bike and I will also either do abs or some arm exercises. Even though I might be tired I have to try and stay in the best shape possible because that gives the ability to move all day.
It is now 9:30 and time for bed, (because of my night time medications I have to go to bed at 9:30). As I am getting ready for bed I start to relax and that is a bad thing. If you were to see me you might think I am drunk. My eyes will become blood shot and feel like they are burning out of my head. My legs get weak to the point that I start walking funny. My walking speed slows down quite a bit because I don't want to be walking to fast when my knees buckle. I climb into bed, put my CPAP mask on, put in my ear plugs, take my night time meds and go to sleep. Normally the moment I close my eyes I start to dream. At 2:30am I wake up to take my second does of meds and my day is done.
So a normal day for me is pretty simple. Get up early, move a lot, take a couple naps, and in bed at 9:30. Now I know some people are thinking well why don't I just stand in place. Simple answer is I can't. If I stand in place I start to sway back and forth. The longer I stand the more I sway and within a couple minutes my eyes start to close and I start to fall asleep standing up. Essentially I move or sleep, there is no in between.
It is time to look at a good day. Well a good day is not much different than a normal day. The only difference is that I might get away with sitting in my chair in the morning for about 10 minutes while petting my dog, (she is a small black lab and she would be sitting on my lap licking me while I pet her). I also might only have to take one nap but essentially a good day is not much better than a normal day.
Bad days, they are bad. There are lots of versions of them but I will simply outline two of them. The worst are the days that I wake up in the morning, simply move to my chair and go back to sleep. I will wake up for lunch and go back to sleep. Wake up for supper and go back to sleep. I will wake up one more time before bed time and maybe be "awake" for 1 to 2 hours and then back to bed.
Another form of bad day is that I get a migraine. The only way to get rid of the migraine is to sleep, except I have to sleep for the night. So if I get the migraine in the morning I have it until I go to bed. I can reduce the severity of the migraine by moving, but as soon as I stop moving I am hit with the pain of the migraine full force. These days are great fun. I move as much as I can because even naps are no good. Fortunately the more I move the more shooting pains I get. There is no rhyme or reason to these pains, I can get them in my arms, legs, back, chest, everywhere. If I nap I wake up from the nap and BAM the migraine is back. Not the best way to wake up. These days usually end up with me rolled up into a ball in bed. Unfortunately once I hit the bed to go to sleep my stomach will not up and it is all I can do to get prepared for bed. It is not unheard of for my wife to put my CPAP mask on me or simply hound me until I do what needs to be done. I know I need to put my mask on and take my meds but all I want to do is curl up into a ball and hope it all goes away.
For an average weak I would say I have 4 - 5 normal days, 0-1 good days, and 1 - 2 bad days.
Now you know what "tired" means to me. Tired means my norm, tired means either move or sleep, tired is what I know. I will not compare my tired to anyone else's tired because I am not in their shoes. I only ask that those who are not in my shoes to not compare or judge me as they do not know what I am experiencing.
The moral of this story is not to pity me. The moral of the story is to not judge what you do not know. There is always someone that is facing something worse than you. I for one, hate what I have going on, but I know that I will wake up everyday and still have time with my family. There are others that do not have that knowledge. You don't have to pity anyone either, just be aware that you don't really know what is going on in their world?
So what does tired mean to you?